


We Are Worth More Than Dust; Help Me Prove It

by santatape



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Character Study, Closeted Character, Closeted Miya Atsumu, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Crying, David Levithan is my favorite author if you couldn’t tell, Gay Miya Atsumu, Gay Panic, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Language, M/M, Miya Atsumu Needs a Hug, Miya Osamu is a Good Brother, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Panic Attacks, Pining, Sad Miya Atsumu, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, but it’s mostly atsumu, osamu is going through some shit too, sakusa has social anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 08:20:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28468167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/santatape/pseuds/santatape
Summary: At age 15, Miya Atsumu breaks a promise. His twin brother is kept in the dark about Atsumu’s life-altering predicament which gets left unsolved for much too long.Or, the coming of age story focused on Miya Atsumu growing up and facing his struggles as a closeted gay teenager in Japan.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Miya Atsumu/Original Female Character(s), Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 76





	1. Going With the Wind

**Author's Note:**

> This work was heavily based off of David Levithan’s novel “Two Boys Kissing”. That novel broke me so many years ago, and still makes me feel so much to this day. I hope this work connects with someone or inspires someone to read that novel, or just makes someone feel better about their emotions in some way. I hope you enjoy this character study of Miya Atsumu. Remember that you should value your life and yourself, and that your emotions are valid. Even if it feels like no one cares about you, or that what you feel is wrong, there will always be someone in your corner, whether you see them there or not. Try your best to be in your corner too, because you deserve it.

“We do not start as dust. We do not end as dust. We make more than dust. That is all we ask of you. Make more than dust.” - David Levithan, _Two Boys Kissing_

At age fifteen, Miya Atsumu broke his promise to Miya Osamu: never hide anything important. He was in the hallway bathroom at two in the morning, wishing he could be living someone else’s life. _I’m so sorry, ‘Samu._

_Atsumu was sitting at his desk in his first year classroom, laughing at a joke a boy he was friends with made about their teacher before she walked in. He tilted his head back, carefree and in the moment, when the boy’s hand brushed against his own. Whether it was intentional or not was unknown to the artificially blonde-haired boy as he breathed in sharply._

_“Why are you laughing with this f*****? Can’t you tell he’s just trying to manipulate you so he can get in your pants later? Unless you do know and just swing that way, Miya. You two disgust me,” a girl passing by their desks spit over her shoulder._

_Atsumu sent her a confused glance, but she already had her head turned facing the front of the classroom again. “What was that about?” he asked the boy, only to see that he had gotten up and left, tears in his eyes._

_The twin was left to question what the girl had said by himself, alone in his thoughts as he realized that he actually quite enjoyed the touch of the boy’s hand. But that didn’t make him gay, right? He could enjoy physical contact from anyone regardless of their gender because everyone liked it when a hand brushed theirs, unless they were a germaphobe or something. What if that boy was a germaphobe? Or was he gay? Or did he like Atsumu? Miya Atsumu didn’t really care if someone else was gay, or if they liked him, because he didn’t tend to like other people romantically very often._

_Did that make him weird? Was he actually waiting to find the right person worthy of a crush from him? Or was he lying to himself? Did any of this make him gay? He didn’t want to be gay. Atsumu wanted to be the straight, happy, perfect twin with good grades and volleyball awards who was successful and well-known for being an outstanding volleyball player - not for being a gay volleyball player._

Atsumu hated how he felt in class that day, and thinking back on the boy’s hand only made him wish he could erase his memory - but he would have to settle for pushing his emotions deep inside of him and to the back of his mind for now. He was straight, like he’s always been. Girls were who he was interested in, and that wasn’t going to change. Atsumu was sure of it, and would do everything he could to hide this secret part of him that he decided to ignore. 

Over the course of the next year, Atsumu dove headfirst into the world of dating, responding to confession letters he received and dating any girl who showed even a morsel of interest in him. Osamu didn’t seem to care much about his newfound interest in dating, and didn’t mention it much more than the occasional “You doing ok, ‘Tsumu?” To which Atsumu always responded, “Of course, ‘Samu! No need to worry ‘yer head over me!” 

Every couple of weeks brought a new breakup for Atsumu to not cry about and a new replacement girl that could also be considered a distraction. Each breakup ended the same way: the girl claiming Astumu liked volleyball more than her, and saying they would be better off as friends. Each time, Atsumu half-heartedly apologized only to move on much quicker than someone in a relationship should.

As he realized that his multitude of minimal-effort relationships wasn’t as effective as he wanted throughout his high school experience, Atsumu began overworking himself to no end. Late nights spent serving in the gym secretly, setting against every wall available into the early hours of the morning, and choosing volleyball over sleep time and time again all became very well known to Atsumu. He welcomed every new distraction with open arms to protect him from his thoughts in the dark of his room. 

By the time his second year rolled around and he was invited to the All-Japan Youth Camp, Atsumu had his own routine and pattern of sorts for how his life played out. 

As long as he followed the rules he had set out for himself (1. Nothing is more important than volleyball 2. Never think about the possibility of being gay 3. Don’t stay single for longer than a couple days), he would be fine and no one would know about his disgusting secret. Who cared if he hated himself? As long as no one else did he would be fine. He just needed to survive, he didn’t need to live. The blonde became very well-accustomed to the art of surviving, he knew the difference between living and surviving better than anyone.

Atsumu was perfectly fine - or, at least he told himself that. When Sakusa Kiyoomi decided to meddle with the boy’s routine and stick his nose where it didn’t belong, however, Atsumu spiraled. 

“Welcome to the All-Japan Youth Camp! Each of you has been hand-picked from the best of the best because you all appear very promising candidates for the All-Japan Team! We hope you have fun and learn some useful information you can bring back to your teams to help strengthen them!” 

The sound of the coaches’ voices mixing with the air conditioning and sneakers squeaking grated on Atsumu’s ears; he couldn’t take it anymore. Too many people, too much noise, too high expectations...

Sakusa Kiyoomi rolled his eyes when he saw Atsumu begin to shake. _We’re all cold in this air conditioning - get a grip._ But the dark-haired boy misunderstood the situation, and he never glanced back up to see that the presumably shivering teen was actually having an anxiety attack. 

_They know. They all know. They’re staring at you. What will ‘Samu think, huh? Having a gay brother?_ That was the first time in a long time that word had been said in his mind, and the way it was pronounced in his thought’s voice was dripping with disgust and judgement. Atsumu’s vision was clouding, he couldn’t see! Why was no one helping? Why did no one care? They were staring at him! Everyone was staring and judging but no one was helping! _Why does no one love me?_

Tears pricked at his eyes, only to be blinked away quickly and ignored along with every instinct telling the boy to _run run run, hide hide hide,_ as well as the thoughts he pushed down deep inside the dark caverns of his soul. 

But he survived. He always survived. Anxiety attacks and panic attacks, feeling worthless, being unloved, Atsumu always survived. He was strong in that sense, more so stubborn, never going down without a fight, but strong all the same. 

“You spend so much time, so much effort, trying to hold yourself together. And then everything falls apart anyways.” - David Levithan, _Two Boys Kissing_

 _When Miya Atsumu first saw Sakusa Kiyoomi, he was putting his stuff in his room and waiting for his assigned roommate to appear. But when the boy with curls the color of ink and eyes the same shade of midnight that an astronomer could get lost in if they weren’t careful, he was convinced what he was seeing was an angel_ _. After some time spent staring though, he realized the man was more like the devil; mysterious, secretive, all-knowing, and gorgeous enough to trick the average human mind into thinking he had good intentions._

_A look of disgust crossed Sakusa’s face as those oil-colored eyes scanned the room, settling on Atsumu’s face. “Why is this room so messy? Your hair is blinding, by the way.” Atsumu’s eyes widened before he quickly gathered all of his stuff in his arms and ran to the other side of the room, dumping everything in a pile on top of his suitcase._

_“Sorry,” he whispered as he scratched the back of his head nervously. He quickly snapped out of it and made a sly remark, “Need your room spotless, princess?” with a smirk._

_Sakusa rolled his eyes and scoffed before reaching in his bag and spraying hand sanitizer all over the bottom bunk bed and the uncovered floor. Atsumu stared as he did this, smirk still plastered on his face, hiding how entranced he actually was by watching this absolutely astonishing man clean._

_By the time Sakusa was done, Atsumu had shaken his head to halt his odd fascination with him and was walking out the door with a parting comment of, “Feel free to snoop through my stuff and make sure it’s clean, I know you don’t trust me. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find something worth your while,” with a wink. He held his arm out so as he walked through the doorway, his hand slapped the doorframe, and he was off. He had known if he let Sakusa leave first he’d end up in his head again, so he made the conscious decision to be the first one out the door and away from all the gay panic that man would give him._

Despite his previous efforts to minimize his interactions with the terrifyingly tempting man who would suck him in too deep, too far, to the point of no return, breaking all the rules he laid out for himself; Sakusa still ended up consistently being paired with the blonde. Around every corner, Sakusa. He was everywhere, he was everything - it was so excruciatingly unbearable. Everything was just getting worse and worse, his mental state was deteriorating. How could he play volleyball if he was constantly worrying about scrutinizing and breaking down his every move? Did walking like that make him appear more gay? Did smiling like that mean guys would get the wrong idea? He couldn’t stop the thoughts running through his mind, telling him _wrong, disgusting, wrong, wrong, wrong._

He needed to leave. 


	2. Drowning in My Self Deprecation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can tell how much i struggled writing the first chapter compared to this one lolol.
> 
> i upped the rating to mature for language and mentions of sex, so don’t feel obligated to read if that makes you uncomfortable!!
> 
> And by mentions of sex, there’s a sex scene that’s like mildly explicit? I’m not sure whether it qualifies for an explicit rating or not because it’s like only thinking during it? Idk lmk if I should change it to explicit.

“In the darkest part of our hearts, we used to think that maybe they were right. We don't think that anymore.” - David Levithan, _Two Boys Kissing_

Those charcoal eyes wouldn’t leave him alone; they followed him from the ear-peircing _beeeeeep_ of the alarm into the night’s faint ambiance of slow breathing and silent floorboards. Watching, panning across the scope of his face, body, soul, all the way into tomorrow. Why was he doing this to him? Why did he constantly need to make things more difficult than they needed to be? _Oh god, make it stop. Someone please end this suffering caused by this devilish spirit._

The desperation in his voice was unparalleled as he screamed out with passion into the depths of night cloaked in mysterious blackness. “Sakusa Kiyoomi, I hate you! I hate you so much! Leave me alone!” But he knew those were lies - no matter how much he wished they weren’t. Atsumu was suffering, alone on the rooftop of the building in which the training camp was being held. He was alone physically, but the constant anxious thoughts prevailed and kept him company; however unwanted. 

He hated himself, hated how easily distracted and confused he became just because of this stupid boy who decided to mess with his entire straight agenda. Who gave him the right to march into his life like nobody’s business, leaving nothing but destruction in his path? Atsumu was so tired. So, so tired of living this stupid lie. But he couldn’t deal with the uncontrollable emotions that came with the realization, so he continued to ignore it and bear with the pain it caused. He’d rather be loved for someone he’s pretending to be than hated for his true self, after all. 

By the end of the training camp, Atsumu was eager for a return to his home with Osamu and playing with the team he loved. He was fed up with his stupid feelings and craved the release of having a new girl to pretend to date and inevitably break up with. Dating and using these girls made him feel safe, protected from the hateful glares aimed upon his kind. What even was his kind? He wasn’t gay, _stop thinking about that Atsumu what the hell is wrong with you shut up shut up shut up shut up_

It was no use. 

Before he could realize what he was doing, Atsumu yanked his phone out of his sweatpants pocket and dialed his brother’s number. Osamu picked up on the third ring. “Tsumu? What is it, it’s late aren’t you coming back home tomorrow?” His questioning voice was met with the sound of heavy breathing and sobs. “Tsumu? What’s going on?” Still no answer other than the wet sniffles and pants. Atsumu abruptly hung up the phone and cried harder. How could he be so stupid to call the one person who could never know his secret? 

His cell lit up with an incoming call from Osamu. He declined and locked his phone, pocketing it and walking closer to the edge of the rooftop. He looked down at the lit-up city. How gorgeous it was at night. Atsumu didn’t belong. He didn’t belong anywhere. He was annoying, loud, ugly, and an asshole to everyone around him. He couldn’t even keep a girlfriend for longer than a couple weeks. 

Would he ever belong anywhere?

His secret held him down, it swallowed him whole and digested him inside it’s squelching organs, jaw unhinged and dripping with saliva. It ate him from the inside out and then tore him to shreds, peeling away the layers of skin and flesh until it reached his heart. His heart, pounding and alive, the true cause of all of his problems. He longed to rip out his still beating heart and slam it to the floor, then to step on it and watch as it lost all life. What would he be without a heart? He wanted to know. 

And so Miya Atsumu decided then and there that cold and heartless would become his new demeanor. If he didn’t have a heart, he couldn’t love, which meant he couldn’t be gay. That was his logic, anyway.

The next day, Atsumu arrived back home where he met a dark and empty house. No one had told him he would be alone when he arrived, but honestly, why would they? No one cared about him anyways. He slung his cross-body duffle bag he used for his volleyball gear off his right shoulder and used the momentum to throw it onto the bottom bunk of the bunk-beds him and and Osamu shared. The beds were actually pretty large for a bunk bed, which was surprising to most who came to visit. Atsumu liked the bottom bunk better than the top one though because he tended to move a lot in his sleep and got anxious that he would fall off. The shadowed wood also provided a comforting darkness that allowed sleep to come easier for him. 

The blonde’s stomach rumbled; oh right, he hadn’t eaten yet. _Oh well. I’m too tired to make something anyway, and I doubt we have much food to eat. I want to sleep. I don’t want to be awake when the others come home._ Although he missed his brother, he didn’t want to have to face him after that call. Osamu had called him seventeen times throughout the night until he eventually gave up. Atsumu was somewhat thankful for the empty house, but it also just enabled his feelings of isolation. 

With an empty stomach, Miya Atsumu flopped into bed still in his training clothes and cried himself into a dreamless sleep. 

“We wish we could show you the world as it sleeps. Then you'd never have any doubt about how similar, how trusting, how astounding and vulnerable we all are.” - David Levithan, _Two Boys Kissing_

Miya Osamu returned home after the sun had set, and saw Atsumu’s shoes haphazardly set in front of the door, clearly he hadn’t been paying attention and had something else on his mind. Osamu hadn’t forgotten about the concerning call from Atsumu the night before, but he didn’t tell anyone because he cared about his twin, despite their fights and disagreements. He quietly stepped into the house and slid open the door to his and Atsumu’s shared room, and was met with the sight of tear tracks down his twin’s face and messy blond hair peeking out of a clump of blankets on the bottom bunk. 

Osamu studied his brother. Why was he crying? Nightmare? What was going on to make his brother cry two nights in a row? He took a couple silent steps over to his twin and brushed his tousled bangs out of his face to place his palm on the boy’s forehead - the way one would to check for a fever. “What is going on with you, ‘Tsumu?” he whispered into the nighttime air. He wished his parents were home, but they were working late and decided to go out for dinner together after they finished at the office they worked at, leaving the twins alone. But Osamu had used his time after school to spend time with Suna since Atsumu wouldn’t be home for a couple hours. He had begun to wish he had just waited, though, now that he saw how much Atsumu was suffering. 

He removed his hand and started undressing so he could change into his sleep clothes. He went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth quickly, looking in the mirror and scrutinizing his appearance the entire time. Did his face really look like that? He noticed all the small details about his face; the small mole that was such a light brown that it almost blended in with his face, right next to his ear, the frizz in his hair from the hair dye and wind damage, the crookedness to that one tooth, his strong jawline, and everything else he could see.

Who was he? He couldn’t even help his brother when he was so clearly hurting that Atsumu felt the need to hide it from him. Osamu was at a loss for what to do to deal with the situation, so he decided he would sleep on it and talk to him in the morning. 

But the time never came. 

The next morning, Atsumu was gone before the sun even came up. “Tsumu?” the gray-haired twin called into the quiet home. The sky was a stunning deep pink that hid behind the trees, peeking out through the branches and leaves as if to say _I’m still here._ Osamu glared at the light peeking through the curtains on his window, as if that would tell him where Atsumu was. He began to panic. Where was he at this hour? 

He searched the house and found nothing, his parents were asleep and the house was silent other than his booming footsteps. He pulled on a sweatshirt and sweatpants, slid on his shoes, grabbed his keys, and slammed open the door as he rushed into the dawn of a new day. He had to find him. 

Miya Atsumu was regretting everything. Why did he do this? He was so fucking stupid for pulling something like this, especially this early in the morning. He was currently at the house of a girl he had met at a school event - she had given him her number and told him to call her whenever he “needed some stress relief”. Atsumu seriously needed some stress relief right about now, although he didn’t really understand what she was planning on doing to help him destress. He had woken up at two in the morning, salty tears pooling in his bedsheets, and he made the split second decision to call her and get the hell away from his house. However, when he arrived at her apartment in the city only to see her open the door dressed in nothing but lacy black lingerie with a rose between her lips, he realized he completely misunderstood. 

He never had sex with the girls he dated because he knew he wouldn’t be able to give them what they wanted. He played it off by saying he was a gentleman and wanted to wait until a few months into the relationship before doing anything past making out - which was a struggle as it was - and he tried to stick to it. But Atsumu was stupid and decided to walk into her apartment anyways. He sent a fake smirk her way and pretended to be interested, hoping it was enough for her to believe it. It was. 

The girl didn’t seem to notice his discomfort, she simply revealed her name, _I’m Kaiya_ , with a smile. She had long, dark hair that reached the middle of her back and had small waves at the ends. She had a fair complexion and her skin was clear and smooth with dimples in her cheeks, a small and flat nose, and full lips. Her eyelashes were long and dark, which she fluttered at Atsumu while he stared. She was the type of girl all of his friends would fall for and do anything to have, and here he was unable to even enjoy it. Why did he have to be this way?

And so he pretended. 

“We were all actors, just as you are all actors now. But our audience wasn’t as large as yours. And our performances, like those on a stage, were fleeting, uncaptured.” - David Levithan, _Two Boys Kissing_

His groans sounded fake in his ears, the wet _squelch_ sounds filling up the room as he tried to hold back his tears and focus on anything other than the very much female body in front of him. He just needed to ignore the disgusting feeling behind his chest, in his stomach, growing and spreading and expanding, threatening to burst out of his throat. _Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting._ He could barely breathe, each inhale accompanied by a shudder mistaken for one of pleasure by the woman beneath his body. He hated himself. Why couldn’t he enjoy this like all the other guys he knew? 

The sounds were so gruesome that it was painful. The smell was worse. It was a struggle to continue, but he forced himself to just get through it. Kaiya was being so _loud_ , Atsumu wanted to scream at her to just shut up more than anything. He wanted to push her away from him and cry and yell and punch the wall, to tell her she wasn’t attractive and he felt nothing even remotely close to sexual attraction towards her. But he didn’t. _Just pretend to enjoy it, pretend pretend pretend. You love this, Atsumu. It’s incredible. You’re nowhere near gay, you don’t even like men. You enjoy this experience, so act like it. You know you’re lying to yourself when you wonder if you’re gay, because you’re not. Stop lying, Atsumu. Stop. Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop_

“STOP!” shouted the blonde man, tears threatening to fall from his hazel eyes. Kaiya’s noises halted too suddenly for them to have been real in the first place as she looked up at him, a questioning look on her objectively beautiful face. “What’s wrong?” she asked with an offended tone of voice, nowhere near concerned. She clearly didn’t want to hear him tell her she wasn’t attractive, she’d probably slap him. But maybe he deserved to be slapped. Then he’d feel better, right? He honestly had it coming with these stupid and ultimately _wrong_ thoughts he kept having. He needed to leave. 

“I don’t like you like that. I don’t want this.” mumbled a boy who was a millimeter away from crumbling. “What does that mean? I’m gorgeous, every man I’ve met has told me that. How can you not see or appreciate my beauty? You disgust me.” she spit at him, words full of venom. 

“I’m gay, Kaiya.” 

And oh, how good it felt to say it. How freeing it was. The lock in his lungs released and crumbled, his windpipe able to take in air without the threat of suffocation. “Oh my god. I’m gay.” He shouted out his words with an smile on his face. He wasn’t hiding anymore. He wasn’t alone with the voices in his head anymore. He was free. 

“Excuse me?” her face was so judgmental that it would’ve hurt Atsumu before, but after finally saying the thing he hated most about himself, admitting to it, he felt lighter than air. 

“Get out, Atsumu. I don’t want to be this close to a fucking cocksucker. You’re disgusting, a disgrace to society.” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll go. Thank you, for this. I needed it.” He smiled as he quickly dressed himself and opened the door, running into the hallway and leaving her home for the first and last time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I’ve decided to add another chapter to this and post early so there can be more to read. I’m sorry for everyone who was expecting the end of the story, but I doubt it’ll last much more than one chapter with maybe an epilogue after. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter and I promise the actual SakuAtsu will be coming soon.


	3. Smell So Sweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik this has taken FOREVER to post and i’m super sorry. writing is hard. i have a lot more free time as of rn so hopefully i can get some chapters out and finish this story sometime soon,, but only the future will tell. hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> some fluff and lighthearted vibes in this chapter to make up for the pure angst i’ve been posting,, whoops

“Sharing truth is not the kind of gift that comes in wrapping paper - ripped open once and, there, you're done. No, this is a gift that must be unfolded.” - David Levithan, _Two Boys Kissing_

Osamu was scared out of his mind, his brother was just gone. Where did he decide to fucking go at this hour? And without mentioning anything or even leaving a note for his twin brother? Unbelievable. He tried texting his brother’s phone, only to realize he had left it at home. He had no way of contacting Atsumu or knowing what to do. He wasn’t just scared anymore; Osamu was _terrified_. He ended up at Inarizaki’s volleyball practice gym, although he didn’t remember how he got there. He knew something must have happened at the training camp for Atsumu to just disappear on him like this, but that didn’t tell him what he should do about it. He pulled on the gym door. _Locked, obviously. There’s no practice today, why did I even bother coming? This is so stupid._ Osamu hated how worthless he felt compared to Atsumu, always struggling to keep up with him. He felt like such a terrible twin, he never knew how to help Atsumu when he was struggling. He wanted so desperately to reach out and listen to how he felt, but he just couldn’t. He felt so uncomfortable around him lately, oddly distant. They were never distant.

It was freezing cold and Osamu was ready to break down and crumble into sobs. He was connected to the asphalt paved onto the dirt, rocky and bumpy and textured. Loose pebbles and clumps of tar were able to be picked off, there was a thin layer of frost over everything, and Osamu needed to find his fucking brother. That dumbass, always getting himself into shitty situations and hurting himself. Osamu was so ready to punch him as soon as he found him and knew he was safe. He didn’t know if he was supposed to cry, laugh, yell, or have some other reaction. He felt like he was dying, and not just from frostbite or hypothermia. Where was Atsumu? 

The blonde-haired setter was jogging back to his childhood home, ecstatic after coming out for the first time. He had tear tracks freezing on his cheeks and a permanent grin stretching his lips wide, teeth on display. The chilly wind blew his blonde locks around as his eyes glimmered with unshed tears of happiness. One foot in front of the other, he kept moving, faster and faster, until he reached his house. 

He was _alive._

The knowledge of his lungs inflating inside him, providing life to his body empowered him. Atsumu was alive and breathing and free. His heart was pumping blood, his muscles were moving his body towards his end goal of pure, unobstructed joy. He would find someone, maybe. A crush, oh the thought of it made him want to break out in giggles. He was allowed to have _crushes_ on _boys._

He was so happy it hurt, and as he slammed open the front door with a bright expression and a skip in his step, he didn’t see his mother standing in front of the kitchen sink, washing her hands next to a cutting board covered with a layer of chopped vegetables and a heated stove next to that. He merely strolled to his and Osamu’s shared bedroom and gathered some fresh clothes to change into. He didn’t notice when his mother came in and stood in the doorway, an angry look on her face. 

“And where might ya have been at the ass-crack of dawn?” she asked him, pointing a wooden spatula in his face. Atsumu turned to look at her, shocked, but happiness undeterred. “Ma, I’m gay.” he told her, smile threatening to split his face in two. 

“What the fuck, ‘Tsumu, I wonder where you’ve been and ‘Samu goes out to look for ya only for ya to not answer my fucking question and instead tell me something I already fucking know.”

”What? How did ya know? ‘Samu’s looking for me?” he was incredibly confused and overwhelmed by his emotional roller coaster of a morning and the barrage of information being thrown at him. “Do I look dumb to ya? Anyone with half a mind could tell those girls ya dated didn’t do it for ya. Yer face looked disgusted when ya saw ‘em.” 

Atsumu had no idea he was being so obvious. His previous attempts at concealing his secret apparently weren’t enough to keep it from his mother. He wondered if Osamu noticed, too, and just didn’t say anything. “So where were ya?” she repeated, shaking him out of his thoughts. He brought a hand to rub at the back of his neck sheepishly, “Well, uh, ya see, I kinda tried some um-” he began. “-activities,” he cringed, “with a female, but it didn’t go well.” He finished his explanation with awkward laughter and averting eye contact with his mother. 

“Oh my god, ‘Tsumu. Sorry I asked, never mind.” She shook her head and walked away, looking uncomfortable. “Don’t pull that shit with me anymore, yeah?” she called out when she was back in the kitchen. Atsumu giggled softly to himself, he was elated. He felt so light, on top of the world. He hadn’t even had time to fear how his mother would react to him coming out, but this was better than he would’ve expected had he actually thought about the words coming out of his mouth. He loved his family, they were always there for him. He felt stupid for keeping this secret from them when he knew there wasn’t anything inherently wrong with him being attracted to men. 

Later, when Osamu slammed the front door open, shivering and coated in snow with a seething expression coating his face, Atsumu yelped and ran out of the living room where he was watching volleyball games. He locked himself inside of the bathroom and heard his brother’s footsteps _thump thump thump_ ing towards his hiding place. “Open the fuck up ‘Tsumu, yer so stupid I’m gonna punch the hell out of yer dumb face!” Atsumu shrieked and laughed, listening to his brother’s angry voice was hilarious when he was protected by the barrier of the bathroom door. When the door was torn off of its hinges, however - _how the fuck did he just do that_ -, pure terror filled his wide eyes as he saw Osamu kicking him in the shoulder play out in slow motion. “Where the hell were ya, scrub? I was out looking for yer dumbass for hours! I almost died out there in the cold!” “I’m sorry, ‘Samu! I’m sorry, I was - _would you stop fucking kicking me_ \- at a friend’s house, alright? She offered some ‘stress relief’ and I accepted, but ended up leaving because I hated it. Happy?” Osamu stopped kicking his brother and settled for yanking him upright by the collar of his tee shirt. “The hell?” the gray-haired twin yelled. 

Osamu couldn’t believe his dumbass of a brother. He really snuck out before sunrise to fuck some girl he’d barely met only to leave because he didn’t like it? What the fuck? It didn’t make sense why he would leave. What could be so bad about it that he couldn’t possibly continue? Did she have STDs or something? He’d learned about those in health class but didn’t really know what they’d do to ya or if they looked or felt weird or something. His confusion must’ve shown on his face because Atsumu interrupted his thoughts by saying, “Don’t hurt yerself, thinking so hard ‘Samu. Ya look constipated. I left because I’m gay and can’t keep pretending I’m not. It’s too painful, alright? I already told Ma.” 

Okay, that was not was Osamu was expecting. At all. 

“The hell? Yer gay? Why’d ya never tell me?” he asked, anger slipping away from his tone, replaced with a light sadness and jealousy of not being the first to know. He guessed he really wasn’t that great of a brother if he couldn’t even be trusted to keep this a secret. “I told ya, scrub. I didn’t want it to be true. I only really admitted it today.” Atsumu looked down, pensive. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told ya.” he finished with a couple tears dropping and landing on the tile with a soft _plit_. The water spread into small blotches, growing in quantity until there was a small puddle in front of the blonde’s bare toes. Osamu began crying a little, too, although he’d heavily deny it if anyone called him out in it. There’s not much that feels the same as crying with your twin, that’s for sure. It’s relieving though melancholy, a bittersweet comfort of relating to someone so deeply that you can share emotions better than you can with anyone else. Atsumu and Osamu knew this very well. They eventually began to hug as they silently cried in the doorless bathroom, seated on the floor and not exchanging words until who knows how much time had passed. 

“Ya know this doesn’t change anything, right ‘Tsumu? I still love ya, even though yer still a scrub.” “I love ya too, Samu, ya sappy scrub.” They shared a grin and hugged each other tighter. 

“Love is so painful, how could you ever wish it on anybody? And love is so essential, how could you ever stand in its way?” - David Levithan, _Two Boys Kissing_

Sakusa had no idea why Atsumu had avoided him so much during the training camp. Averted eyes and pouts when caught staring confused the dark-haired boy. Sakusa wasn’t very good at reading others’ emotions based on physical tells. He liked direct statements, blunt conversations with no room for misunderstanding. Those made sense. Atsumu, however, did not make sense. Atsumu was a wonder, a free spirit. Nothing could hold him down, no matter how hard it tried. Atsumu always managed to break out of the hold of whatever gripped him in its mighty claws. Sakusa knew this, but he couldn’t even begin to guess what was so bad about him that made Atsumu feel the need to stare, only to look away with _some_ kind of expression on his face. What was that? Sadness? No, it was deeper than that. Longing? But why would he feel longing towards Sakusa Kiyoomi, hypermobile freak of nature with too curly hair, too cold features, too much of an overall social reject to have friends other than his cousin? He didn’t understand, but he wanted to. He intended to find out what exactly the rarity of Miya Atsumu was. 

During the training camp, he noticed Atsumu go up the roof late at night. He had snuck out of their shared room, most likely thinking Sakusa was asleep and wouldn’t notice. However, Kiyoomi was actually wide awake and struggling to keep his thoughts at bay long enough to fall into a dreamless sleep. He suffered from insomnia, anxiety about his volleyball plays and his future keeping his eyes permanently open in the dark hours of the night. Wondering why Atsumu was leaving, he followed him after he was sure the setter wouldn’t notice a silent shadow behind him. He crept past the blank walls, silencing his socked footsteps by putting almost no weight on his feet, balancing on the corners of the hallway. He saw the door to the rooftop stairs open and slowly swing shut, the cold metal of it acting as a barrier between Sakusa and the puzzle he needed to dissect. So, he opened the door. 

Sakusa slowly crawled up the stairs in the daunting passageway, freezing metal surrounding him. He didn’t know if it was just his anxiety and excitement or if the air actually did become thicker, but the heaviness settling upon him felt so real and alive that he couldn’t stop moving his legs. When he reached the top, he noticed the door didn’t close fully, a sliver of moonlight peeking through. Was the door broken or something? It must’ve been. Because of this crack in the doorway, however, he was able to hear muffled sobs coming from the rooftop. He didn’t dare to open the door any more than it already was. Instead, he listened quietly to the soft beeps of a number being dialed and the calling ringtone being played. _He’s calling someone?_ Nerve endings on fire, Sakusa was terrified. What if he got caught? This was such a bad idea, why would he ever even come up here in the first place he was such a creep- 

“‘Tsumu? What is it, it’s late aren’t you coming back home tomorrow?” the sound of a male voice cut through Sakusa’s anxious thoughts and he listened dutifully as Atsumu didn’t respond with anything other than wet sobs. “‘Tsumu? What’s going on?” Sakusa took this as his cue to leave. He doubted Atsumu would want someone listening into his conversation, he had heard enough. Something had made Atsumu sad or overwhelmed, and he needed alone time with whoever was on the phone. _Brother?_ Kiyoomi wondered. He hoped that was the case, as his mind helpfully supplied the possibility of Atsumu talking to a boyfriend. A gross and heavy feeling coated him, what was this bubbling up in his gut? He felt angry, of course he wouldn’t have a boyfriend, there were barely any out gay people in Japan in the first place, let alone taken ones. There was no way Atsumu was even gay in the first place. Sakusa was sure he was the only gay man he knew, and that it would probably stay that way forever. 

Sakusa never did place what that feeling was. 

Jealousy. 


	4. Take Pills For Your Double Black Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter will have some non-consensual drug use in it so please do not read if that makes you uncomfortable or triggers you in any way. there will also be mentions of overdosing (without death) and as the title suggests, being roofied. 
> 
> there is also a not graphic whatsoever panic attack, i barely go into detail with it but a character does have one so, just a quick warning for that too. 
> 
> i’ve gone in and given chapter titles to each of the chapters, they’re all different song lyrics. first chapter is from verbatim by mother mother, second chapter is from water by smoothboi ezra, third chapter is from coffee breath by sofia mills, this chapter is from bitter by chappell roan. 
> 
> also,, i’m pretending sakusa doesn’t obsess over shiratorizawa’s wins and stuff for this. it’s a plot device. just bear with me,, please,, 
> 
> please let me know if you think i should add any tags or change the rating or anything in the comments! as always, hope you enjoy the new chapter :)

“When distractions are manifold, it's best to remember what you are supposed to be doing.” - David Levithan, _Two Boys Kissing_

Sakusa was terrified. He had been trying to get that blonde hair and sleazy grin out of his head ever since he first laid eyes on him at the training camp, but to no avail. Why did he have to just spring up out of nowhere and ruin his life like this? He was freaking out in a panic in the middle of his _quite large_ bedroom because he had woken up in the morning from a dream filled with soft kisses and hand holding, featuring a certain annoyingly handsome setter. He was disgusted with the dream and the unwanted smile that appeared on his face whenever he thought about it. “Oh my god, fucking shut up already!” he angrily shouted, ignoring the early morning sky that appeared to be mocking him. How dare the sun shine so bright when Sakusa was struggling this much. This whole thing was so stupid, he should’ve never followed Atsumu, should’ve never listened to him cry. All he could think about now was making him feel better, comforting him and killing whatever decided to hurt him that bad. Why was he even having these thoughts? He was spiraling, he needed to take his mind off of _stupid_ Miya Atsumu. He decided to call Ushijima, although they weren’t _incredibly_ close, Sakusa trusted his advice and appreciated his bluntness. 

“Ooh, Sakusa-kun? What’s this about? Don’t go meeting up with my boyfriend, alright?” Laughter rang through Sakusa’s phone speakers as he tried to make sense of whatever was being said to him from this unknown voice. “Sakusa~ ahh what a difficult name to find a nickname for! Say, what’s your given name? Hellooo~,” the voice continued. Sakusa interrupted with a “Sorry, who is this? I was calling to talk to Ushijima-kun.” “His boyfriend, silly! Tendou Satori, not sure if it’s nice to meet you yet, but hopefully you’re not a total _square_ ,” he replied.

Ushijima’s boyfriend? Sakusa never knew Wakatoshi-kun was romantically interested in men, or anyone, for that matter. Knowing this fact made him feel less alone, but definitely didn’t provide him with the advice he had called to ask for. “Well, is Ushijima-kun available to talk to now? His advice is quite necessary as soon as possible.” Instead of a response from this _Tendou_ , Sakusa received heinous laughter. He guessed his question must’ve been quite hilarious to make him cackle this loudly. The laughter was quite ugly, actually, and Sakusa wished quite deeply for it to end. “No, he’s busy actually,” another giggle, “But perhaps I can help! I give quite outstanding advice, in my opinion~. I’d take me up on my offer if I were you, Sakusa-kun~,” Sakusa sighed, exasperated. He called for _Ushijima_ , not whoever this annoying man was. He preferred to not be made fun of without even knowing what for by someone he’d never met, shocking, he knew. 

“Come onnnn I’m not so bad! I’ll listen to whatever your shitty life problems are and give you whatever advice you need! It’s a great deal, I don’t need anything in return, swear!” The annoying voice came back when Sakusa didn’t say anything for a couple minutes, lost in thought. Sakusa weighed the pros and cons. On one hand, he wasn’t Wakatoshi, and sounded more on the insane side than he was used to. He also had no idea if he actually was Ushijima’s boyfriend or not, this could be some prank that ended with his secret being used against him. On the other hand, he could get his silly crush on Atsumu off his chest and maybe get some decent advice out of it. He sighed again. “Fine, but what I tell you will never be spoken of outside of this conversation. Understand?” “Crystal clear, sir yes sir!” He giggled again. Sakusa rolled his eyes. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. 

“I’ve accidentally developed a, for lack of a better word, _crush_ on a fellow volleyball player who attended the training camp last week with me. I didn’t know much of him before the camp, but we shared a room and I noticed him crying on the last night before we returned home. I wanted to ask Ushijima-kun if he knew how to get rid of such a feeling, or what he would do if he was in a similar situation.” 

Tendou began laughing hysterically once again, and Sakusa honestly felt a little offended. Were his emotions and concerns that invalid? “Oh, that’s easy Sakusa-kun! Just go out drinking to take your mind off him! Before you know it, someone new will appear in your life and you can forget this guy ever even existed! I can even be the one to go out drinking with you if you don’t have a particular area you like, we can chat together, how’s that sound?” His lack of surprise at Sakusa’s crush being a man was unexpected, but also made a little sense since he apparently also was attracted to men. 

“Are you sure I need to go drinking? I’m not a big fan of large crowds and sweaty bodies dancing.” The laughter continued before it turned into actual words. “Well that’s why I’ll go with you, Sakusa-kun!” the way he said Sakusa’s name sounded condescending, mocking, as if he knew something he didn’t. He didn’t like it. 

But for some unknown reason, Sakusa ended up agreeing. He zoned out while Tendou picked a bar for them to visit, apparently he knew the owner and could get them a discount on the more expensive liquors. Sakusa mindlessly agreed with whatever he said, and eventually the call ended abruptly with a quick “Smell ya later, Sakusa-kun~!” and the dial tone sounded in his eardrum, an empty sound that barely resonated within his mind. He couldn’t believe he had agreed to this. He delved back into his previous panic, pacing around his room as he hyperventilated. What had he gotten himself into? 

When the day finally arrived where Sakusa would be meeting Tendou and going out drinking with him, he was freaking out. Bad. His anxiety was at a new high as he tried to pick out an outfit for the night. 

He eventually settled on a forest green button up tucked into dark gray slacks with brown loafers. He looked decent. He scrunched his curls to make them fall in small ringlets, a couple landing in his eyes. He didn’t bother to push them away. He didn’t really know why he was bothering to look so put together for meeting a friend’s boyfriend and take his mind off of his annoying crush, but he guessed looking good might help his situation. He checked himself out in the mirror a final time before turning away, gathering his things, and forcing himself to take deep breaths while putting a mask on. He walked out the front door still trying to convince himself he was fine. 

When he arrived at the bar - he drove himself, he didn’t like taking cabs because mindless small talk irritated him and why pay for overpriced car ride if he didn’t need to? - he immediately saw a flash of cherry-red hair spiked up in an odd style he’d never seen before. His eyes were large and animated, slightly downturned and tired looking yet so alive. His mouth was thin and wide, making him look almost frog-like, and he stood out. A lot. The exact opposite of what made Sakusa comfortable. Oh god, he hoped this wasn’t the mysterious Tendou Satori he was meeting- 

“Sakusa-kun~” a loud and cheerful voice coming from _that guy_ rang out. Of course. How did he even recognize him as Sakusa if they’d never met before? Ushijima must’ve shown him a picture or something. This entire interaction made no sense, as things Sakusa was forced into tended to be. He suppressed the urge to roll his eyes and scoff or worse, curl up into a ball and shield himself from the many eyes all staring at the two. 

“Tendou-san.” he greeted in a monotone voice, muffled by his face mask. He was trying so hard not to shake from the crowd’s eyes on him, and he chose to ignore the racing of his heart. He needed to calm down. The redhead ran towards him and threw himself onto the taller man, arms wrapped around him. The way he was acting, it was hard to tell if he was tipsy already when they hadn’t even gone to the bar yet. Sakusa didn’t really appreciate being forced to hold a 6’3” high schooler without being told ahead of time, but there wasn’t much else he could do, he guessed. 

As they walked into the bar, all eyes were on them. Sakusa considered himself attractive, but he had a growing suspicion the reason for the stares was the over-excitable redhead who stood out like a sore thumb. Sakusa directed an icy glare that would have half the population of Japan murdered if it could kill at everyone who stared at him. He hid his anxiety behind his mask of being an asshole, it had never let him down before, so why stop now? As he looked around with his cold expression, he noticed just how many people there were at this bar. He shouldn’t have come. 

If only he realized just how true that would turn out to be. 

Tendou and Sakusa were sat on leather-covered stools, material peeling off and the metal poles connecting them to the floor rusted. There was a permanent tobacco smell contaminating the air, enough to force anyone to develop an addiction just by association with the establishment. It was run-down and ugly, to be frank, he wouldn’t be surprised to find all kinds of exotic bugs and rodents scurrying around. It was absolutely one of the worst places for Sakusa to find himself in, and the permanent fixation on him and the redhead only made matters worse. He was so over this stupid outing with this even stupider teenager; why had he agreed to this again? “Tendou-san,” he began, hesitantly. A loud, screaming sort of laugh escaped the other’s wide grin. It was a little scary to witness. “Why yes, Sakusa-kun~? What did you need to ask me?” another laugh. Was this guy drunk already? “Um, I was just wondering when we’d start actually talking about how I should proceed in order to fully accomplish getting rid of my-” a cough sounded from his throat, bile threatening to escape from the word he was attempting to say along with the disgusting atmosphere of the bar. “My crush.” he internally shuddered. 

“Oh, just find someone here willing to take you to bed and you’ll be good to go! Just distract yourself until you forget about little old blondie~ the alcohol makes it easier!” he tilted his head towards the end of his sentence, eyes squinting and grin miraculously growing larger. Sakusa’s expression grew even colder and less interested as he realized why they’d come here. Sakusa also realized that Tendou had said “blondie” in reference to his crush on Atsumu, although he had never told him who his fixation was on. Who was this guy and how did he seem to know so much about him? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. this chapter isn’t nearly as long as i wanted it to be. i was planning on including a lot more but a lot has been happening lately and i am currently going through a pretty messy breakup, so not feeling super up to writing about happy relationships. just wanted to post this since i’ve kept everyone waiting for a while but idk when i’ll update next. im really sorry about all of this but it’s just a lot. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed this chapter, hopefully things get better soon and i feel more up to writing this fic. i have a lot of ideas for it and i won’t abandon it, it might just take a little longer than normal to get updated. sorry again.


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